Untangling Couéism

Breathe. Perpetually convincing myself to stay a little longer. Incessantly questioning my morale's when all else fails, only to end up indulging in this mega sinister of a rainbow colored melancholia.

Yesterday, the sun hid from me all day

Outside it felt all too gloomy and cold and sad

But inside me, a little ray of sun shone

Tomorrow's gonna be a better day.

But now the sun has finally left his cove of clouds

Everything just looks alive again

But inside I was dead

Another casualty of my own making.

Squinting never did much for me. I've closed my eyes to things I don't ever wanna see, but it never changed the fact that whatever was in front of me was reality. At least that's what everyone else calls it and sees it as it is and believes it for what it is. *squint squint* It's nothing more than just a dream. All these is just a dream. A dream.

Dolphins.

I saw four dolphins earlier at sea today

It's not like I've never seen dolphins before

But I've always liked them

They seem to be all carefree, wandering and just majorly chilling out there

Sometime in my past life, I believe I was a Dolphin

Minus the funky hair and all the black shirts & weird armbands I wear

Yeah I was once a chillin' dolphin  traveling round the world with my crew

Just chillin', wanderin, all carefree and stress-less

Swimming day and night like there's no tomorrow

Just being the cool Dolphin that I was

Going on a journey without a certain destination.

 

I'm thinking blanks. I think I think too much and all too much is what I want and what I do. Think. But I never really had much sense to think about. It's basically just the same things that's been going on in my head since forever. Why?

I used to be shallow

And then I drowned

I didn't know how to swim in shallow waters

No one taught me how

I used to be shallow

I don't know what happened and how

Talk. I talk to myself too much it scares me sometimes. I feel like the voices in my head have become real flesh and blood of their own. They used to be no more than just mere company when I was alone & whenever I felt alone. But now it seems like they're always there just whenever. No need to summon them and drag them from whichever corner in my head they've been hiding. They're just there, there. All the time, taunting me and snickering every time. Making fun of me every chance they get. And it's eating me from the inside. Literally. If I could just give it a good smacking, just once, I'd be more than happy to take any hit anytime, any day.

God, I've never felt more alone than now

The angels & devils in my head

They've left

There's nothing but a deafening, empty, hollow, pit-less nothing

Nothing

I'm just listening through the silence

I might learn something

I'm hoping I might 

Flashbacks. I've been seeing too much of you lately. I know we agreed not to see each other until we're both ready. A force such as yours clashing with an energy such as mine without discipline & restraint and just pure, organic youth would cause mayhem. It might just be the end of us. The end. Over before anything could even really start.

I haven't met you yet but I feel like I know you so well

All too well that I would hand over my heart to you the second our souls dance to the music of our hearts beating together in sync

Right there and then, I could give you my all & sure enough, it's all we need

Just you & me

Must I mourn this much? Must I savor every moment of this mental utopia of nothingness?
Must I drown this long?
I do fight back sometimes.
Me and my shy instincts.
After all, I didn't take no swimming lessons for nothing.
I swim against the current of life.
A barricade of doubts of my own making.
And yet, constantly failing to do so in such a distinguished fashion.
Unlikely to get the the results i want - need.

                                                                                                    I EXIST.

I AM EXISTING.

 

 

                                                And I'll keep existing 'till you show up.