The Red Horse

A bottle of beer

To help me extinguish this fear

This inexplicable doubt I feel for myself

Excuses that cut a little too short of value

To a cause long lost

A constant reminder of how terrible a liar I really am

I seem to run out of words whenever I need ‘em the most

Rooting again to my previous mishaps I could never forgive myself for happening

Crimes I’ve been paying for with constant mental slaps and the proverbial dagger to the heart

It has been awhile since my last

But I feel it coming around the corner

Making its turn

Now aiming its arrow straight to my temples

There is no place to escape

My head’s a little too crowded and narrowed by these ideas that have long lost its luster

And these impending fascinations of what could be a new obsession has cluttered up the gutters as well

Even death would turn its back on this now

Still I breathe

There’s really nothing else more to do now but wait

‘Till it all dies down and sink to the bottom of my soul

I’m scared nonetheless

But it’s not like it hasn’t happened a thousand times or more

Already I’m ready to meet the next storm

But no preparations could ever be made for battles of your own making

When fighting with the demons in your head, the only truth you know is to win

‘Cause quitting is never an option

Neither is backing down or surrender

And loosing, well it's death.

HUNG UP

Everything's on hold

The pause button pedaled down to the floor

Tempted to glue it on the spot forever

All these suppressed emotions and unspoken guilt

Consuming me like a ball of fire

Burning me inside out

The smoke's taking over

Clouding my better judgement

Suffocating reason and logic

Bracing myself for the worse

STONED

Popping a pill never seemed to be so exciting of an idea 'till now

But drugs was never my thing

Never will it be my thing

This secluded space of infinite complacency has proven itself
Potent and lethal any drug could ever be

SPACE

You, me, these feelings and all these unresolved emotions

Are nothing but fillers

Filling up the space of what used to be nothing and empty

Taking up space

Whatever empty space there was

I have to admit, the wine is taking its effect on me

I just wished it affected my better judgement  more than it had my body language

HALLUCINATIONS

There is this strong connection I cannot seem to identify where its coming from

It's that one familiar feeling I've been nursing on for ages

It feels so real to the point of feeling and seeing and touching the intensity of it

Knowing that taking advantage would bring nothing but a one way ticket to self-destruction

Although the idea of never coming back is tempting

The price isn't mine to call

SUMMER

Everyone at least had one good summer in their lifetime

One good story to tell

An adventure, a misadventure, a wake up call, a life changing experience

Well I didn't

Maybe not yet

Memories of my past summer's seem to be pretty hazy

Like it was nothing but an insignificant dream

I love summer

I just don't understand why it comes by too fast

I do remember one thing though. The blue summer sky. Fleets of clouds rolling by.

Not even the scorching heat of the summer sun was enough a reason to keep me inside the house.

I was laying on the rooftop in my old house, I was probably in junior high or my senior year, I'm not sure.

But I remember it clearly now. This nostalgia washing over me is waking up something inside, something I've put to bed a long time ago. Laying there, on the rooftop, alone, under the hot summer sky, not a care in the world, I was trying to see everything differently with eyes half closed.

A smile on my face as I felt lighter and lighter by the moment

Contented. 

I haven't felt that in a while. I have been in constant search of something ever since that day.

Not even sure what it is I'm looking for. But I'll find it when I find it

I just hope I do find it.

Another Mother's Day Message

So It's Mother's Day...Big deal...
Very Big Deal.
*insert infinite superlative here*  BIG DEAL

Let me just skip on all the possible cliché which will probably be battered and braised,grilled and sautéed to perfection and at some point, somehow,.. well let's just say I don't want this to sound a bit over rated despite the genuineness that comes with it.

To My Ate Dex,
You have done well and I have the greatest of confidence that you shall keep doing so. I've always looked up to you as the best Ate one could ever have. Although when we were younger, I never saw you as much to be the awesome mama that you are today. But you are and that you deserve to know. Mathias, Christopher, Lucas & little Sophie are really blessed to have you as their mom. I know this because you have been a great daughter to mama & papa, an awesome sister to me and my siblings & a good wife to Kuya Peter. I could go on and on writting about you, praising you about how high you've set the bar for me and for everyone in the family that we may follow but that would probably take 20 years to write and I'm afraid that I might win a Noble Prize for that so I'm gonna leave you with this.
You are awesome. Happy Mother's Day Te :) Me love you so <3
Thank you for being you and stay as awesome as you are W^_^W

To Ate Roxanne,
Tantrums and deathly glares aside, my brother's not all that bad. And I commend you for being there for him and understanding him *And God,I know how impossible at times that may be* and loving him and just being there for him in general and also for little Yuki. I know tough times come but tough times also go and I've seen you handle the pressure of trying to be a good wife to Kuya and a good mother to Yuki. Thank you.
Happy Mother's day Sister :)

To Aunty Bebe,
Thank you. For always being there for my family, for keeping me under your wings for almost a year now, for being our second mom as Kuya Jake had once put it, for your concern and love, for everything. You have always been there for us and I can't even start to thank you for each time because I wouldn't know where to start. Just to say that we all see you as our second mom, I couldn't be more blessed and thankful for that. So thank you, Te.

Happy Mother's Day :)

To Nanay Inday,
For someone who has done so much in her lifetime as you have. I could only wish for you to have many, many years to come. Because for all I know, no one can quite play the part,your part, and play it like you do. You are a mom not only to Tita Jasmine and Kuya Jesrome but also to all of your grandkids, to your nephews, your nieces, to your in-laws, to your extended families, to your neighbors, and to pretty much everyone who knows you. To all of us who has had the priviledge to enjoy your amazing guava jelly, and to those who have not *you miss half  of your life*, to those whom you have blessed and shared whatever you had and you could possibly share, you are quite THE MOM OF ALL MOMS. I never bothered to wonder why there are a lot of people who loves you because you are you. And we all know who you are and we all love you for who you are. For me, you are the angel that's been keeping us together. And we shall do our best to keep you together as long as we can. Thank You, Nay.
Happy Mother's Day :)

To Lola Victoria,
I miss you. I miss you more than words can say. Wherever you are, I know you're always looking down on us with that smile on your face. I know I was never really vocal about how I feel to you or to anyone for that matter, *I still am not and I'm trying to change that* I hope that in the littlest years that you and I have shared, I've done enough to compensate what I wasn't able to say. I was too young to understand how important you are in my life, I didn't know you weren't gonna stay long enough to see me actually have a boyfriend. Despite everyone saying & insisting I was a tomboy, I know you thought otherwise. And I wan't you to know that I'll always be your little Sharon no matter what.
Thank you for believing in me and taking care of me and for loving me. And for what it's worth, no matter how late it is to say this now, I love you and thank you very much.
Happy Mother's Day Lola :)

To Lola Felizidad,
Despite everything that has happened, I hope you know that you are not everything that they say you are. I know how hard you tried and I've sen you struggle through the whole thing. Things may not have turned out to be the best and I know you're trying your best to hold things together. I hope you know that you are loved still. I know how tough these times have been for you. Torn between who you are, who they say you are and who you want to be. And I know how much you wish Lolo was still here, maybe, just maybe, things would have been different. I still keep on wishing on that falling star that he was here too. Because if he was, things wouldn't be these hard for you. Things will get better and I'm still hoping for the best. And I hope you'll stick around long enough to see that it will. Thank you for everything, La.
Happy Mother's Day :)

To Ate Marisa,
You have found me in probably the most crucial time of my life. I was standing at the crossroads between heaven and hell. And I couldn't be more blessed and thankful enough that it was you who found me and led me to the right direction. For the shortest time that I was blessed to have spent with you and to have been guided by you has made so much impact in my life than I ever expected anyone to have on me. The way I look at life today is so much different than the night you first prayed for me at Battle Zone. And that night I shall never ever forget until my my last of days. When I thought I was loosing my battle with the world, you taught me how to pray. Thank you. Everytime I struggle and fight with myself, deciding between who I am and who I should be, I always remember you and everything that you said to me. And then I pray. Thank you so much Ate M, I couldn't possibly ask for a more awesome adviser than you. To all of us whose lives you have touched, and to those who you continue to touch despite the distance and circumstances, we have nothing but praises and prayers for you.You have set quite a high standard for us women who walks with God to follow suite. Thank you so much & I miss you.
Happy Mother's Day :)



You really didn't think I'd forget you, no?

To My Dearest *insert British accent* Mama,
The cursor has blinked 107 times already and I can't seem to figure out where to start. It's not like I'm keeping count or anything. Where do I ever begin?
I once read somewhere that, 'If you don't know where to start, start with what you know'.
Well, I don't know anything about cleaning the house and keeping it in order and I sure don't know much about cooking as well. And I'm quite sure you know as much as I do about the latter so let's move on from that. But I know you. And for all I know, you have outdone yourself in almost everything. I know you think that I am unaware & unappreciative of the things that you do and you have done for the family but trust me when I say I wasn't blind all these years.I see you more clearly than I do hear you.

Ma I've seen you laugh, I've seen you cry, I've seen you suffer and try so hard. I've seen you at your worse but even then I always see you to be the best. My inability to express what is on my mind and on my heart towards you has somehow cracked a little gap between us. And it's not your fault. I'm trying just as much as you are to fill in that gap. We both know I'm not the brightest egg in your nest but it hasn't stopped me from trying to be one. I know it doesn't appear to be so right now and I have a perfect excuse for that. I'm still young and stupid and I know I shall pay a great price when I get older. Who I am right now is not your fault. I'm a big girl now and I'm still trying to find my way around. I know how patient you have been not just to me and to my siblings but also with Papa and I can't be more thankful that you are my mom. Our mom.
Again my inability to justify you're awesomeness by means of words  will stop me from telling you how awesome you truly are. You deserve only the best Ma. You have done a lot of good and well to me and my siblings and to Papa.
Thank you Ma.
Happy Mother's Day! Love you :)

Now I may know nothing of being a mother and very little about patience and understanding, but I know more than enough moms who have set a high standard for me. And I've learned so much and I still am learning everyday from all of you. And today I take my humblest bow to all the mother's in the world and salute all of you who have paved the way for the rest of us. Thank you from the biggest part of my heart.

To Nanay Fita, Tita Aping, Tita Jasmine, Te Lalay, Te Lyade, Te Fc, Te Prima, Te Mayang, Mommy Angging, Lola Guillerma,to all the moms to be,and to all my friends Moms and friendswho are now moms themselves, and to all the moms in the world, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

And Happy Mother's Day to you as well Dear Mother Earth!

P.S.
Please keep doing what you're doing 'coz you're doing it like the pro that you are.
Hooray for all the moms in the world!!!

A pointless nostalgia is washing over me. Taking over every sensible sense or whatever is left of it. It used to be heavy on the heart, now it's just a hollow & empty vague memory. I'm trying to remember, recall how it all went down from there but it might take me forever. I just wanted someone to talk to about it but no one's around. No one is ever around.

They all keep telling me that it's gonna be okay. That I'll be okay. That I'll come around sooner than soon. Of course it's gonna be better. Everything's gonna be okay! That's what I've been trying to tell myself since forever! And of course I'll come around, I always do. Everything has to get worse before anything becomes better. The point is, it will get better. Eventually. But everything isn't okay right now, and it sucks. Everything sucks.

It's okay though, I will be okay. Eventually.

But what hurts the most is when you start healing. When everything slowly comes around, the pieces all coming together going to their respective places and everything's just like it used to or maybe should be, and it feels like nothing ever happened. 'Cause all is well and good again. When you're all healed up, band aids and bandages off, every cut and wound, the pain all gone and forgotten and all that remains are your battle scars. Forever marked. To always remind you of what you've been through. To remind you that the worse is over and that more has yet to come so keep your eyes wide open and your heart on guard.

Days, months and even years will pass, there will come a point in your life when you try to remember, reminisce what once was. Searching for clues and hints on how to pass what is now. And maybe for future references as well. When you start trying to remember everything, how it all started and how it led you to where you are now. How it felt, how happy you were, the joy, then the storm, the cold, the pain, and then the rainbow. You think hard, dig deep, you try to remember how it felt and even touching your scars hoping it would help somehow.

And yet somehow, you can't remember. You search inside of you, you search deep and hard. Still nothing.

Then you'll find yourself lost in the oblivion you've created inside of your head. The obscurity of it all.
When all that's left is the nothingness. No pain, no joy, no memory of how it all came to be.
Nothing. All is lost and forgotten. Nothing. Nada. Void. Empty.
If you've been there, done that, then I guess were on the same page.

Personally, based on experience, I'd rather feel the pain over and over again than feel nothing at all. If that's what it takes to remind me constantly to keep me and to survive, it's a fair price to pay. 'Cause I often forget important things like that. More often than I'd like.

The pain and all the brouhahas that come with it. There is beauty in pain. Beauty itself is pain, very painful it is. But the truth, the unspoken prize of wisdom of knowing that after all that has come & gone, it couldn't be more perfect the way it had happened. The way it had been and the way it will all be.

Stitches, scratches, scars and all. I love 'em all.

But if perfection is a possibility, who wouldn't want to be perfect?

Breathe. Perpetually convincing myself to stay a little longer. Incessantly questioning my morale's when all else fails, only to end up indulging in this mega sinister of a rainbow colored melancholia.

Yesterday, the sun hid from me all day

Outside it felt all too gloomy and cold and sad

But inside me, a little ray of sun shone

Tomorrow's gonna be a better day.

But now the sun has finally left his cove of clouds

Everything just looks alive again

But inside I was dead

Another casualty of my own making.

Squinting never did much for me. I've closed my eyes to things I don't ever wanna see, but it never changed the fact that whatever was in front of me was reality. At least that's what everyone else calls it and sees it as it is and believes it for what it is. *squint squint* It's nothing more than just a dream. All these is just a dream. A dream.

Dolphins.

I saw four dolphins earlier at sea today

It's not like I've never seen dolphins before

But I've always liked them

They seem to be all carefree, wandering and just majorly chilling out there

Sometime in my past life, I believe I was a Dolphin

Minus the funky hair and all the black shirts & weird armbands I wear

Yeah I was once a chillin' dolphin  traveling round the world with my crew

Just chillin', wanderin, all carefree and stress-less

Swimming day and night like there's no tomorrow

Just being the cool Dolphin that I was

Going on a journey without a certain destination.

 

I'm thinking blanks. I think I think too much and all too much is what I want and what I do. Think. But I never really had much sense to think about. It's basically just the same things that's been going on in my head since forever. Why?

I used to be shallow

And then I drowned

I didn't know how to swim in shallow waters

No one taught me how

I used to be shallow

I don't know what happened and how

Talk. I talk to myself too much it scares me sometimes. I feel like the voices in my head have become real flesh and blood of their own. They used to be no more than just mere company when I was alone & whenever I felt alone. But now it seems like they're always there just whenever. No need to summon them and drag them from whichever corner in my head they've been hiding. They're just there, there. All the time, taunting me and snickering every time. Making fun of me every chance they get. And it's eating me from the inside. Literally. If I could just give it a good smacking, just once, I'd be more than happy to take any hit anytime, any day.

God, I've never felt more alone than now

The angels & devils in my head

They've left

There's nothing but a deafening, empty, hollow, pit-less nothing

Nothing

I'm just listening through the silence

I might learn something

I'm hoping I might 

Flashbacks. I've been seeing too much of you lately. I know we agreed not to see each other until we're both ready. A force such as yours clashing with an energy such as mine without discipline & restraint and just pure, organic youth would cause mayhem. It might just be the end of us. The end. Over before anything could even really start.

I haven't met you yet but I feel like I know you so well

All too well that I would hand over my heart to you the second our souls dance to the music of our hearts beating together in sync

Right there and then, I could give you my all & sure enough, it's all we need

Just you & me

Must I mourn this much? Must I savor every moment of this mental utopia of nothingness?
Must I drown this long?
I do fight back sometimes.
Me and my shy instincts.
After all, I didn't take no swimming lessons for nothing.
I swim against the current of life.
A barricade of doubts of my own making.
And yet, constantly failing to do so in such a distinguished fashion.
Unlikely to get the the results i want - need.

                                                                                                    I EXIST.

I AM EXISTING.

 

 

                                                And I'll keep existing 'till you show up. 

 

pre-midnight silly-nation

You are my favorite exception
Though rules prove to be more in relation
There has always been walls that block our communication
It takes more than guts & tons of dedication
But it helps a lot that you are my inspiration.


I've dreamed of it's realization but the actualization of this situation might might be the death of me
...Condemnation.
And before I loose my head in this contemplation & illogical resolution condemned illusive in this institution without any radical explanation
Take heed & take caution
Options & notions & lamentations
Commotions, explosions & exaggerations
… A vague conversation


Fluctuation of the little heart that has resisted every limitation
Palpitations, recognition to the one thing that lives in my illusion


And before I end up yet again in another dimension, a conclusion
To the longest citation I’ve summoned without a single quotation
This is my invitation.


My only solution to my hallucination
An understatement of a confession
You aced all the qualifications & glued my attention & exceeded every expectation
… A noteworthy emotion.
It’s a lot more than just gravitation
You get me high like levitation
And as a conclusion
This feeling is not just an infatuation
I’ll tell you “I love you” & wait for the continuation…

A Leak

What are you doing?

Everyday I ask the same thing

And everyday I answer myself the same

I'm mourning

Yearning for a love that was never mine to begin with

And like water flowing, streaming to the unknown

I float along

Addicted?

A possibility

Obsessed?

A little less deadly,yes maybe

I guess I like the distraction

Conditioning myself to the improbable possibility of becoming not just a Me & a You

But an Us

Or maybe I just like talking to myself

At least I know what to say & not to say

Plus I don't have to ever wonder what I think about it

After all, I am talking to myself

So I mourn

And maybe cry a little bit too

Die a little more every day

Waiting for nothing

Waiting for no one but myself

Picking up pieces of myself & dropping it back again

Making sure I know where each piece lay

So I'd know what I'm supposed to do without being told

Mirrors are mean

I find them brutally honest

More honest than the phonies I see around

Calling themselves my friends

 

At least when I look into my reflection

It doesn't try to pacify my ego & kiss my *ss

Scars & all the flaws that come with it

Exposed in all its entirety

My entity

The identity I've managed to keep hidden beneath a smile

All these years

I keep trying to find a way out when the only way is in. I'm kidding no one but myself & I keep finding nothing & everything at the same time. I find myself laughing at myself & often times I crack non stop & the next thing I know, I have slipped into the darkness of my own making. Sometimes I wish I could make it go away. I know I could. But there's something about it that I can't let go.

And 'till the day that you finally decide to show up my doorstep

I know it won't be too late to save me

Wishing on a star was never really my thing

But if I ever get to have one wish tonight

I'd wish we could waste time together than apart.

Same story. A new beginning...

This isn't my first but it definitely feels like so. I'm not sure what I'm doing really but I've never been sure about anything else in my life anyways so what the heck.

An introduction would be good so I guess I'll start with that.

"Who I am hates who I've been."
I still am and I still do. But hate does nothing but perpetuate all of the the universe' negative energy turning into nothing but darkness. Uncomfortable darkness that will keep pulling you deeper and deeper into the abyss of nothingness.
Hate is the energy that fuels everything that spells evil in this world. Nothing but horrible misery awaits one who lives his life wallowing in his own weakness' and sorrow.

Who am I?
I question myself everyday. And everyday I answer myself differently.
Indifferent to all of the worlds unwittingly stereotypical cliches.

 I am my own odd self.

I am something occupying space in time.

I am much more than what you see from the outside.
I am my family.
I am my mom who murmurs at 80 decibels at the least.
I am my dad, the observant one in the backgrounds.
I am my older sister, the family's Isaac.
I am my older brother, impatient yet he makes do with what he has.
I am my younger sister, ever the gullible one yet somehow she finds her way around.

I am my special brother, an angel to each heart he's touched.

I am my other younger sister, I like to grow up fast & now.
I am heartache, I can't help but fall in-love with the insanity of it all.
I am insane.
I am weird since everyone's trying to be like everyone else. Not me.
I am music.
I am a pen just waiting for a thought or two.
I am what I'll never be.
I am whatever you think I am 'till you actually spend some time & get to know me.
I am that stranger sitting quietly at the back of the room looking at everyone else wondering what's going through their heads.
I am my bestfriend who doesn't know me at all but knows the things I never knew about myself.
I am sorry since I tend to get all worked up at the smallest of things which I keep blaming on the hormones.
I am a part of a really awesome plan.
I am a hug when you think no one else is around.
I am everything they say that I'm not.
I am responsibility over due.
I am a bruise I keep poking to see if it still hurts.
I am like everyone else, slightly different yet in a way still the same.
I am a garden full of wishful white roses & wishful thinking.

I am book, takes some time to read.

I am strangely addicted to thinking too much nonsense that end up building the foundations of my so called philosophical views about pretty much just about everything & more.
I am a smile.
I am a riot.
I am a walking contradiction.
I am of vampiric & wareworlf-ish decent.
I am a crack on the wall.

 

I am a destination.

 

I am headstrong & stubborn when the moment calls.
I am the last note on that lullaby my nana used to sing when I was younger.
I am what happens when you least expect it.
I am your shadow.
I am that feeling when everything seems to be blue & gray.
I am a real scream
I am a temple.
I am a tree, tall and proud and strong.
I am four seasons of the year.
I am a cloud.

I am that kid that your mom warned you about.

I am a fire.
I am annoying.
I am restless.
I am that drum beating in the jungle.
I am the eye that sees everything & nothing all at once.
I am nonsense.
I am peace.
I am a picture.
I am these words arranged in such a manner to form words that you may understand the beautiful mess that I am.
I am full of sh*t yet so full of heart.
I am the truth.
I am a lie.
I feel fine.
I am out of my mind.
I am what happens when the world goes to sleep.
I am life and all its brouhaha.
I started out as a joke & now look what I've become.

I am change, simply inevitable.

And whoever I am & whoever I'll be, you'll find me smiling for all the world to see.